Gaining Independence

Right now, I am completely dependent on others.  This is slightly unsettling to me, as I had become a very independent person, maybe to an extreme.  A few years ago I discovered that one of my subconscious goals in life had been to become so independent that I didn't rely on anyone for anything, or that I didn't expect anything of anyone.  This way, I wouldn't be and couldn't be let down by anyone.  This was so extreme that I didn't share any of my emotions or struggles with anyone, and it also meant that I didn't have much joy in celebrating, because there wasn't much to celebrate with people.  Sure, I could celebrate on my own... but that's really no fun at all!

Over the last three or four years, I have gained a couple very close friends who have gently and graciously helped me discover the joy of sharing life with others.  These are friends who want to know what is going on in my life, who have helped me discover and express my emotions, who genuinely care for me, and who are not afraid to confront or rebuke me when they see fit.  These are friends who know my biggest mistakes, my greatest weaknesses and still love me.  These friends can tell that something's wrong before I have told them anything, and they can tell when I'm doing well before I express it.  I have learned to trust these friends- to trust them with my deepest secrets, and trust that they want what's best for me, even if it hurts.  In learning to trust these people, I have learned to trust God in a much deeper way.

I am now in a new country, I have gained a new family, and I am staying with people who I have seen for a total of 5 days now.  Barneveld is a town of about 35,000 people, and you can walk almost anywhere within 15 minutes.  I have been into town four times now, and I am not quite comfortable going on my own yet.  I am not comfortable shopping on my own.  I'm not really comfortable leaving the house on my own.  However, I *think* I could find my way into town on my own, and I'm pretty sure I could find a few grocery stores from there, if it was absolutely necessary.  Although it is nothing compared to the independence I had two years ago, it is comforting to know that after 3 days, I could probably manage here on my own if absolutely necessary, but it is much more comforting to know that there are a lot of people here (most importantly, Martin), who I can trust, who can help me and who I get to share life with. 

I am looking forward to the day when I am comfortable enough to be independent with many weekly tasks, and to simply enjoy time with these people, without feeling like I depend on them for everything.

The Shocking New Reality

I landed in Amsterdam yesterday, and it was strange.  This was the fifth time that Martin and I greeted each other, after an extended period of time of only corresponding via email and video-chatting.  It normally takes me 24 hours to get used to being around Martin again.  I'm never scared or worried, it is just such a different reality to physically be in the same space.

It was the equivalent of 6:45am on Monday morning (Ontario time) when we finally left the airport, and I had gotten only about 1 hour of sleep on the plane, compared to the 3 hours I normally pull off on Atlantic Ocean-crossing flights.  Needless to say, I was tired.  But more than being tired, I was in shock.  Martin later told me that it was funny to watch me during that car ride from Amsterdam to Barneveld.  He noticed that I was looking at everything... the cars, the landscape, the signs, the horizon.  I was swallowing the fact that this will be my new home.  I figure that the more I study it and become familiar with it, the faster I will be comfortable and feel at home.

After a day of doing necessary errands (such as meeting with a lawyer), we spent an hour or so visiting with some of Martin's family, at the house where I'm staying this week.  I had a GREAT sleep that night, and I feel like I'm back to my normal self now.  Phew! 

After driving around Barneveld (and some surrounding towns), walking around Barneveld, going grocery shopping and spending some time looking through Martin's kitchen yesterday, I can imagine life here, and I think I'm going to enjoy it.  This small town seems very quaint and peaceful.  I have not heard one siren since being here, and all the streets (with the exception of the highways) are two lanes, plus of course, bike paths.  I do hear the railway crossing bells frequently, but they are a very welcomed sound, especially since they aren't high-pitched , harsh, sharp or annoying.

All of this was very good.  However, the best part of this trip so far, was coming downstairs this morning to discover that Brooke Fraser was the music of choice for this morning.  Hillsongs, in English.  Being a musician myself, sound is a big contributor to an atmosphere.  I felt right at home.

The expensive way to get married

I'm leaving tomorrow morning for the Netherlands.  The only reason I'm going is to get legally married.  I mean, I'm SO excited to see my man again, but this trip is only happening because of the complications that come with an international marriage.

Since I'm going to be living in the Netherlands, I am required to apply to become a permanent resident.  In order for me to do that, I need to prove that I am married to a Dutch citizen.  If Martin and I signed marriage documents in Canada, it could take up to 4 or even 6 months to complete the paperwork process that is required for the Dutch to recognize our marriage.  I need to be accepted as a resident within 3 months of living in the country.  Because of the potential processing time of Canadian documents, Martin and I decided to get legally married in the Netherlands, which means that I can apply to become a permanent resident immediately.  However, for us, that ceremony is to register our commitment to each other with the law.  The ceremony that we're having in London, Ontario on November 25th is when we're expressing our commitment to each other before God and family and friends.  November 25th is when we'll consider ourselves married.

This is the complicated way to get married, but in our case, it's certainly best.

Packing

Today is packing day.  Everything I own is currently in a basement apartment that I live in.  Over the last few months I have been examining everything, and deciding its value both financially and sentimentally, and weighing that with the cost of shipping it to the NL or storing it in Canada.  I feel like I'm back in economics class studying opportunity costs, several times an hour.

By the time I'm moved, I will probably have 4 large, 3 medium and a few small suitcases worth of my own stuff in the Netherlands.  One is already over there, and I just finished packing the second :)

This is an overwhelming task, mostly because there is no formula that helps me decide what to take, what to get rid of, and what to ask my very kind and generous parents to store at their place.

In October Martin took an extra suitcase filled with my stuff back to Barneveld with him.  That suitcase contained a few things that are pieces of home for me: Christmas decorations, some books, and a few sentimental things, like a mug and blanket that were given to me by friends.

This next suitcase has some kitchen things that I really like (serving platters, my late grandmother's cookie racks), and some hobby-related things for me.  I think what I have packed now is what is most important to me.  Through this process, I am realizing what is really important to me: a couple little things that feel like home, books that I have learned a lot from, things that make my house feel nice, and things that I like doing as hobbies.

Although it's a little overwhelming to go through everything, it is really quite freeing when I empty boxes of my stuff that have been sitting around here for a while.  I'm looking forward to getting back to the very basics :)

Lasts

Last Q-tip in the box, last load of laundry, last nail-trim, last trip to the mechanic, last day driving around the whole city of London, last chance to stop-in at the church just because, last day with my first car... these are all the lasts for today (I think!)

There have been a lot of lasts lately, and in two days, I'll be flying out of Toronto as a single girl, for the last time!

It is a strange feeling to know that so many things are changing; to know that I'm about to experience so many new things, and to know that my time in London is quickly coming to an end.  I am sad about some things (especially leaving so many people that I love), but I'm very excited about others (marrying Martin!)

I'm reminded of the picture of a seed that must die in order for a tree (new life) to grow.  Some things must end in order for others to begin.  Although I'm sure that there will be some disappointments in my future, I'm trusting that this is all for the good, and that the seed that is being left behind will grow into something much bigger, better and more fruitful.

God's Humour

One thing that has been incredible for me to experience in the last year is the peace that I have had about my relationship with Martin and the future, despite the many things I don't know, won't know and can't know now.  I know that God is good, I know that God has a plan (which my life is a part of), and it has been so clear to me that God has gone before me and taken care of all the details of this move.

The two biggest examples are the sale of my house, and, hot off the press, the sale of my car!

The plan was for me to sell my car on Nov. 13th, and then book a rental car for the week of the wedding.  But, I didn't want to book a rental car until I had sold my car.  Now, as we're coming down to the wire, I decided to just book the rental car anyways, and trust that mine would sell.  So Mom and I were talking on the phone about rental car details, and redeeming air miles to rent the car... you know, all the details you need to figure out before booking.

10 minutes into the phone call, the door bell rang, and it was a couple who wanted to look at my car.  I wasn't expecting anyone to show up tonight.  So the couple looked at the car, then took it for a test drive (they left me their cell phone, car and child as collateral... ummm... anyways...) then they gave me a deposit, and we're exchanging it on Saturday or Sunday.  Wow!  

So back to my conversation with Mom... "yep, let's book the car now."

Ha!  God's timing is perfect... and funny at times.

Are you nervous?

This is probably the most common question that I've been asked.  The answer to this question is much more complicated than the time that a simple conversation allows.

Yes!  I am nervous!  I'm nervous about being in a new place.  But more than nervous, I'm curious, and I have some fears.  But the things that I'm confident in far outweigh my fears, and I'm trying not to get nervous about things that I simply can not know or assume before I move.

As I'm selling, giving away or packing everything that I own, it would be easy to question whether or not this is worth it.  That's an easy answer, though.  YES!  I can't wait to be with Martin, and start a life together with him.  I would rather be with him than have my stuff.

As I'm enjoying my "lasts" (eg. last time out for coffee with ______, or last visit at ___'s place, or last Sunday morning with the kids...) it is very easy to see why I've come to love this place so much.  How do I know this is a good thing, when I'm leaving so many good things behind?  This is where it's about faith.

There's a balance of confidence and faith in this adventure that I'm embarking on.  I know that I want to marry Martin.  I know that God is leading both Martin and I in our own lives, and He's made it very clear that he's leading us in this relationship together.  Because of God's leading in this relationship, I have confidence in the leap of faith that I'm taking.

However, this doesn't eliminate all fear from my mind.  What if I struggle a lot with the language?  What if I don't get along with Martin's family and friends?  What if I don't make new friends of my own?  What if ... there are SO many "what if's" that I could ask, but I'm choosing to be confident in what I know, and be patient, and tackle the unknowns as I discover them.  And by that time, I'll be tackling them with my husband!

Yes, I'm nervous.  Yes, I have fears.  But worrying about unknowns now does no good, and my confidence in Christ is much stronger than my fears.  I know that God is good and wants good for me.  I know that God is the center of this relationship.  I know that God has gone before Martin and I to bring us to this point.  I know that God knows all the answers to the "what if's."  I know that God is unchanging and faithful to His children.  Because of this, I have confidence that my faith in God will be what anchors me through this move.

Trusting God,

TL

It keeps hitting me, harder and harder

Last night, as I was organizing some details of our ceremony, and listening to the music for our ceremony, I imagined, more clearly than ever, my own wedding day!  This is all so surreal.  I have always dreamed of getting married, wearing a white dress, and having Ave Maria as some of the music in the ceremony, but beyond that, I never imagined exactly what I would say to my husband-to-be as my pledge and promise to him.  I was lying in bed, with my laptop on my lap, and I had to hold back the tears.  Tears of joy and tears of emotion.  This is a big deal!  This is real!  Really?  It feels surreal.

Last night was also when I realized that I have to start saying good-bye to people.  As I've been getting rid of "stuff" over the last 3 months, some things have been harder than others to part with.  Christmas decorations, ladder and tools being some of the hardest.  But, that is nothing compared to leaving people.  Over the last 2 years especially, I have really started to establish some incredible friendships, and of course, some of them I have only met in the last year.  Last night it hit me again: I'm about to leave some friends who I have gotten to know really well, and I'm about to leave some friends who I've just started to get to know, and who I was really looking forward to getting to know so much better.  That's really selfish, though, because these people are fantastic people, and it's just me that's missing out on their friendship... but I know God will bless other people through them just as He has blessed me through them.

I know that friendships will change, relationships will change over time-- especially when there are other significant circumstances that change.  It will be MUCH more difficult to see or get together with any of my current friends, but I'm SO thankful that there are so many ways to keep in touch.  And I'm especially thankful for a great God who is the most faithful friend of all, and the reminders that even when everything else it unknown, or seemingly gone, God is there, and God is faithful.

Part 3: Relationship to Ring

Over the course of the next two months, things just got better and better.  I enjoyed talking to Martin more, and the more I got to know him, the more I looked forward to seeing him again.  We started reading a book together, and once again, we discovered that we shared a lot of the same attitudes and concerns about so many things.  Martin always struck me as a disciplined, goal-oriented, hard-working man, but I was a little embarrassed when I was the one catching up to him in our reading (since we were reading in my first language.)

The more I talked to Martin, the more I wanted to talk to him and share with him.  (Yep, you can feel sorry for Martin right about now.)  And the more I got to know him, the more I wanted to learn about him.

I don't remember much of what happened between March and May, but over that period of two months, I found myself imagining doing everything with him-- planning things with him, going on trips with him, spending quiet time with him, going on adventures with him…. and the list goes on.  I also imagined spending time with him at the end of a great day, and at the end of a rough day.

This period of two months was a little weird, as I was imagining the potential for the future.  And over the course of these two months, the "potential" slowly turned into a likely reality.  Through all of this, God gave me so much peace.

Then came my trip to the Netherlands.  I arrived into a new country, where I didn't recognize the airport, I didn't recognize any of the names on road signs, I didn't recognize the landscape, the trucks looked different, the highways were smaller, the licence plates were different -- all I knew was Martin.  As I sat in his van driving from the airport to Barneveld for the first time, I remember a moment when we were silent, and I thought "TL… you are CRAZY!" … and yes.  I WAS crazy!  This WAS a crazy adventure that I was on.  But, I felt safe in every way.  Up until this point, there were no "red flags".  Theoretically, there were many things that had the potential to go wrong, but there were so many things that pointed away from that, and towards this actually being a good thing.  I would have called it a very calculated risk.  In my mind, IF Martin was actually the man who he seemed to be, then I was more than willing to take this risk.  My biggest fear at that point was that one of us would discover something significant that would lead us to end the relationship-- something that we couldn't discover through conversations.  But once again, neither of us discovered any bad surprises, and we enjoyed our time together in the Netherlands even more than Martin's trip to Canada.  It was SO nice to be with Martin, seeing his hometown, and meeting his family and friends.  Once again, everything that I saw and heard while over there, confirmed that Martin WAS in fact, the same man that I had gotten to know over the last 9 months… even better, actually.  Of course, it was nice to be welcomed so warmly by such a great family and friends over there too!

We then had two weeks before Martin was back in Canada-- and at this point, we were talking very seriously about getting married, and I knew that he was planning to bring a ring over with him (and I was glad to know this, so that I could plan our time appropriately.)  Of course there are lots of other good stories that happened along the way-- like how I went to the wrong terminal to pick Martin up, and how he almost fell into a mostly-frozen swamp on our first walk together, and how sometimes the other person can hear you, even if you don't think the video-call has started yet, or how Martin corrects TL's grammar ... but we'll save those for real life conversations.

Part 2: Off the plane to Off the Market

Carrie (one of my two sisters) came to the airport with me, to meet Martin for the first time, and to drive part-way back to London with us.  I was SO nervous standing in Terminal 3, waiting for Martin to walk through the gates.  Of course, we were early, and boy, did I have butterflies in my stomach!  There was so much running through my mind.  I couldn't believe that Martin would actually book a ticket (considering the cost), just to see if we got along with each other.  What were the chances that he hadn't even booked a ticket, and just wouldn't show up?  For some reason, I was confident that Martin was going to show up.  But as each person walked through the gate, I wondered if they were Martin... I found myself guessing even how he would walk and hold his head up... before we had met.  As I was standing there, I was waiting for the moment where the glass doors opened, then "Mr. Right" would walk through the doors, our eyes  would lock, and time (and all the people in the airport) would stand still, (with some nice background music) as we approached each other for our first greeting.  Well, it was nothing like that.  When he came through, though, I knew it was him, and I was a little relieved, but very nervous!  What a weird moment!  At that point, I didn't remember where the car was, or how to get back to the car, and I just talked nonsense for a bit, as we walked back to the car.  I'm glad Martin stuck around a bit to see me a little more relaxed.

That car ride was a little awkward... especially at the point when I lost my way (I was driving, and I was still getting over the shock that Martin was sitting in my car, in real life.)  Once we got back to London, I was planning to just drop Martin off at my good friend's house,  where he would be staying, then I would head straight to mine.  But, Terri and Darren invited us in for some tea, and Martin accepted the offer... I was surprised that after a 24 hour day, Martin would still be up for some conversation with strangers, in English!  That definitely got him some points.

Okay, I'm envisioning the length of this entry, if I keep going like this.  I'll pick up the pace here for your sake.  So, for this visit, I didn't want to plan to spend much time with just Martin... I wanted to spend a lot of time with my friends, and see how Martin would feel with them.  So I made up a packed schedule, and, Martin passed!  He didn't complain about anything... and he even did some yard work in my back yard while he was here!!  After spending a few days together, several hours driving in a car together (and having a good theological disagreement), we found ourselves up in Niagara-On-the-Lake ... somewhere (you can count on me to get lost) in a park, a few hours before Martin's plane was to take off.  While we were in the park, Martin said to me something like "I think you're the best woman in the world for me to marry."  And for some reason, that didn't sound scary to me at all!  It was actually quite flattering.  I guess that's when I knew that this was getting serious.  Martin said that the next thing that needed to happen was for me to visit him in Barneveld-- to see his hometown, meet his family and friends, his church, and see his life there.

So, I dropped Martin off at the airport thinking "well, that was a nice visit!  I wouldn't mind if Martin was here for another 10 days."  But I knew that I needed to take some time to get back into routine, and to process some of what just happened.

About a week later, I had processed enough to know that I wanted to visit Martin in the Netherlands... and I wanted to go as soon as I could, so I booked a ticket for mid-May.

Part 1: Online to On the Plane

Martin and I met online.  I had no clue what to expect from the online thing, but I guess I wanted to give it a shot.  Here’s the longer version of the story (from my perspective):

We started talking in August 2010, and our emails quickly became longer and longer.  I enjoyed getting to know Martin, joking with him, and corresponding with him, and I quickly began to await his next email... hoping that it wouldn’t take more than 2-3 days.  In October, we video-chatted for the first time (Martin had to buy a webcam in order for this to happen).  I enjoyed talking to Martin more and more, and as we went on, so many things in our lives (priorities, dreams, lifestyle, goals, faith etc.) seemed to line up.  I found him funny, and he didn’t seem to mind my sense of humour.  I never felt like I needed to hide anything from him, and I didn’t want to hide anything from him.  I think this was partly because of the distance—at that point, I figured “I might as well give him as clear-of-a picture of me as possible, good and bad, since I don’t have anything to lose.”  Along with that, our conversations were very direct.  We talked about faith, family, marriage, money, and international interest before we would have even considered ourselves “a couple.”  This meant that we got our “business” taken care of quickly and efficiently, and the rest of our conversation was easy, insightful and fun! 

In February, Martin made a joke about the “Wonder Weekend” that his church was putting on—and how I should come and see it!  What a kind offer, Martin!  I kindly refused the offer, but said that he could come here to visit sometime if he wanted.  He promptly booked a plane ticket to come visit me, because... well, why not?  Ha!  We decided that the purpose of this trip was to see if we enjoyed spending time together as much as we enjoyed emailing and video-chatting.  In my mind, this trip had the potential of being a huge failure, and I later discovered that Martin had a back-up plan of staying with a relative, if it went really badly.  At the same time, I knew that if it went well, it could end up getting serious really quickly.

Where and how it began- Intro: The Summary

We met online in August, started chatting, not expecting anything from the “online world” or from each other.  The more we chatted, the more fun it was!  We quickly discovered that we had a lot in common.  Maybe not geographically-speaking, but a lot of other things... including international travel.  After a month or so, we were sending one long email each, almost daily.  In October we started video-chatting, and Martin seemed like the same person on video as he was in his emails.  TL discovered that he did, indeed, have an accent, and he was just as fun to talk to over a video camera, as he was to email!

After hours of emails, video-chats and one visit to each of our homes, we realized that so many things in our lives lined up, AND we enjoyed being together, AND we would rather be together than apart.  During my (TL's) visit to the Netherlands, my thoughts shifted from “Martin is a really caring man” to “I feel very cared for and loved.”  At the same time, my feelings shifted from “I really like him” to “I want to be with him, and share my life with him.”  Being the emotionally private person that I am, THAT was a scary discovery for me!  But, at the same time, it was so natural and exciting!

Our story, up until this point, was very adventurous (read on for the lengthy version of this story), so I was glad for a couple fairly quiet days away at my parents' cottage, where Martin and I got to spend time with my family, and some time together.  It was during this time (June 7th, right Martin?), that Martin asked me to marry him, and he made me a very happy girl!  We're really excited to discover what it means to be married, and to do life together.  We can't wait for the quiet times we have together, and all the adventures that await us!  We're just so happy that we get to share our lives with each other!

New Blog

I'm not a writer.  My fiancée whose mother tongue is not English corrects my grammar occasionally.  However, I'm about to make a big move, and there are a lot of changes and transitions that I will be going through in the next little while.  This blog is my attempt to record some of the ways life is changing for me.  Feel free to join along if you're at all interested.