Gaining Independence

Right now, I am completely dependent on others.  This is slightly unsettling to me, as I had become a very independent person, maybe to an extreme.  A few years ago I discovered that one of my subconscious goals in life had been to become so independent that I didn't rely on anyone for anything, or that I didn't expect anything of anyone.  This way, I wouldn't be and couldn't be let down by anyone.  This was so extreme that I didn't share any of my emotions or struggles with anyone, and it also meant that I didn't have much joy in celebrating, because there wasn't much to celebrate with people.  Sure, I could celebrate on my own... but that's really no fun at all!

Over the last three or four years, I have gained a couple very close friends who have gently and graciously helped me discover the joy of sharing life with others.  These are friends who want to know what is going on in my life, who have helped me discover and express my emotions, who genuinely care for me, and who are not afraid to confront or rebuke me when they see fit.  These are friends who know my biggest mistakes, my greatest weaknesses and still love me.  These friends can tell that something's wrong before I have told them anything, and they can tell when I'm doing well before I express it.  I have learned to trust these friends- to trust them with my deepest secrets, and trust that they want what's best for me, even if it hurts.  In learning to trust these people, I have learned to trust God in a much deeper way.

I am now in a new country, I have gained a new family, and I am staying with people who I have seen for a total of 5 days now.  Barneveld is a town of about 35,000 people, and you can walk almost anywhere within 15 minutes.  I have been into town four times now, and I am not quite comfortable going on my own yet.  I am not comfortable shopping on my own.  I'm not really comfortable leaving the house on my own.  However, I *think* I could find my way into town on my own, and I'm pretty sure I could find a few grocery stores from there, if it was absolutely necessary.  Although it is nothing compared to the independence I had two years ago, it is comforting to know that after 3 days, I could probably manage here on my own if absolutely necessary, but it is much more comforting to know that there are a lot of people here (most importantly, Martin), who I can trust, who can help me and who I get to share life with. 

I am looking forward to the day when I am comfortable enough to be independent with many weekly tasks, and to simply enjoy time with these people, without feeling like I depend on them for everything.