Right now, I am completely dependent on others. This is slightly unsettling to me, as I had become a very independent person, maybe to an extreme. A few years ago I discovered that one of my subconscious goals in life had been to become so independent that I didn't rely on anyone for anything, or that I didn't expect anything of anyone. This way, I wouldn't be and couldn't be let down by anyone. This was so extreme that I didn't share any of my emotions or struggles with anyone, and it also meant that I didn't have much joy in celebrating, because there wasn't much to celebrate with people. Sure, I could celebrate on my own... but that's really no fun at all!
Over the last three or four years, I have gained a couple very close friends who have gently and graciously helped me discover the joy of sharing life with others. These are friends who want to know what is going on in my life, who have helped me discover and express my emotions, who genuinely care for me, and who are not afraid to confront or rebuke me when they see fit. These are friends who know my biggest mistakes, my greatest weaknesses and still love me. These friends can tell that something's wrong before I have told them anything, and they can tell when I'm doing well before I express it. I have learned to trust these friends- to trust them with my deepest secrets, and trust that they want what's best for me, even if it hurts. In learning to trust these people, I have learned to trust God in a much deeper way.
I am now in a new country, I have gained a new family, and I am staying with people who I have seen for a total of 5 days now. Barneveld is a town of about 35,000 people, and you can walk almost anywhere within 15 minutes. I have been into town four times now, and I am not quite comfortable going on my own yet. I am not comfortable shopping on my own. I'm not really comfortable leaving the house on my own. However, I *think* I could find my way into town on my own, and I'm pretty sure I could find a few grocery stores from there, if it was absolutely necessary. Although it is nothing compared to the independence I had two years ago, it is comforting to know that after 3 days, I could probably manage here on my own if absolutely necessary, but it is much more comforting to know that there are a lot of people here (most importantly, Martin), who I can trust, who can help me and who I get to share life with.
I am looking forward to the day when I am comfortable enough to be independent with many weekly tasks, and to simply enjoy time with these people, without feeling like I depend on them for everything.
Thursday, 17 November 2011
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
The Shocking New Reality
I landed in Amsterdam yesterday, and it was strange. This was the fifth time that Martin and I greeted each other, after an extended period of time of only corresponding via email and video-chatting. It normally takes me 24 hours to get used to being around Martin again. I'm never scared or worried, it is just such a different reality to physically be in the same space.
It was the equivalent of 6:45am on Monday morning (Ontario time) when we finally left the airport, and I had gotten only about 1 hour of sleep on the plane, compared to the 3 hours I normally pull off on Atlantic Ocean-crossing flights. Needless to say, I was tired. But more than being tired, I was in shock. Martin later told me that it was funny to watch me during that car ride from Amsterdam to Barneveld. He noticed that I was looking at everything... the cars, the landscape, the signs, the horizon. I was swallowing the fact that this will be my new home. I figure that the more I study it and become familiar with it, the faster I will be comfortable and feel at home.
After a day of doing necessary errands (such as meeting with a lawyer), we spent an hour or so visiting with some of Martin's family, at the house where I'm staying this week. I had a GREAT sleep that night, and I feel like I'm back to my normal self now. Phew!
After driving around Barneveld (and some surrounding towns), walking around Barneveld, going grocery shopping and spending some time looking through Martin's kitchen yesterday, I can imagine life here, and I think I'm going to enjoy it. This small town seems very quaint and peaceful. I have not heard one siren since being here, and all the streets (with the exception of the highways) are two lanes, plus of course, bike paths. I do hear the railway crossing bells frequently, but they are a very welcomed sound, especially since they aren't high-pitched , harsh, sharp or annoying.
All of this was very good. However, the best part of this trip so far, was coming downstairs this morning to discover that Brooke Fraser was the music of choice for this morning. Hillsongs, in English. Being a musician myself, sound is a big contributor to an atmosphere. I felt right at home.
It was the equivalent of 6:45am on Monday morning (Ontario time) when we finally left the airport, and I had gotten only about 1 hour of sleep on the plane, compared to the 3 hours I normally pull off on Atlantic Ocean-crossing flights. Needless to say, I was tired. But more than being tired, I was in shock. Martin later told me that it was funny to watch me during that car ride from Amsterdam to Barneveld. He noticed that I was looking at everything... the cars, the landscape, the signs, the horizon. I was swallowing the fact that this will be my new home. I figure that the more I study it and become familiar with it, the faster I will be comfortable and feel at home.
After a day of doing necessary errands (such as meeting with a lawyer), we spent an hour or so visiting with some of Martin's family, at the house where I'm staying this week. I had a GREAT sleep that night, and I feel like I'm back to my normal self now. Phew!
After driving around Barneveld (and some surrounding towns), walking around Barneveld, going grocery shopping and spending some time looking through Martin's kitchen yesterday, I can imagine life here, and I think I'm going to enjoy it. This small town seems very quaint and peaceful. I have not heard one siren since being here, and all the streets (with the exception of the highways) are two lanes, plus of course, bike paths. I do hear the railway crossing bells frequently, but they are a very welcomed sound, especially since they aren't high-pitched , harsh, sharp or annoying.
All of this was very good. However, the best part of this trip so far, was coming downstairs this morning to discover that Brooke Fraser was the music of choice for this morning. Hillsongs, in English. Being a musician myself, sound is a big contributor to an atmosphere. I felt right at home.
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